Halo, balik lagi ke blog gue hahaha.

Udah lama banget gue ga nulis disini. Yah karena kesibukan kerja dan segala macem yg terjadi gue baru sempet nulis lagi:)

Intinya yaa, sebelumnya gue selalu mikir, ah ga mungkin banget gaksi gue punya cowo lg, karena gue trauma bangett apalagi cowok dr negara T dan kenalan dr online gitu:( karena ujung2nya ga jelas kedepannya.

Sampe akhir Agustus gw memutuskan buat main interpals lagi setelah sekian lama.

22 Agustus 2022. Bagus ya angkanya hehe

Ada 1 cowo yang nge message gue, yah negaranya sih itu2 aja ya hahaha, chatnya si ya biasa aja sih, casual aja kyak lagi apa, nanyain kerjaan, gitu2. Trus gw liat profilnya ya.. biasa aja gitu, maksudnya gw gaada feeling apa2, haha. Yang gw inget dia minta foto gue pas awal2, tp gue tolak lah. Kayak, lah apaan dah lu minta foto pas awal2 chat, sama WA jg. Tapi dia mintanya sopan sih jadi ya gue ga masalah.

Akhirnya gue bertahan chat di interpals kayak semingguan gitu. Karena gw liat ini cowo ga macem2, yah sopan gitu. Gue tanya lo punya cewe ga? Eh ternyata dia diselingkuhin:( sama bgt kaya guee! Jadi ya kita ngobrol nyambung gt.

Setelah seminggu itu gw memutuskan buat pindah ke WA, lanjut deh.. 

Seminggu setelah di WA, lah ko kayanyaa doa suka sama gue yaa? Gue yg tadinya ga ounya rasa apa jadi suka sama dia sedikit2 gt. Ngertj gasiiii? Haha gue emg tipe orang yg ga peka gtuuu sama cowo dan ujung2nya gue jadi ikutan suka sama diaaa.

Dan akhirnya dia jujur blg ke gue kalo yaaa dia punya perasaan sama gue.. dan gue bilang aja yaa gue juga suka kok sama lo haha, akhirnya kita jadian deh, tp gue juga ha yakin tanggal berapa sih gue jadian antara tgl 5/6 september deh karena di kita juha beda timezone nya 4 jam hiksssss sedih bgt

Sejauh yg gue alamin, ya yampun gue masih ga percaya kalo gue puny cowo hahaha!!! Dan ya bener bgt tentunya kalo lo punya pacar pasti ada hal yg ga bisa lo lakuin lg. Selama gue single, gue bebas sih mau chatan ssma siapa aja termasuk sama cowo. Tapi krn cowo gue lumayan posesif ina good way loh ya jadi gue bener2 jaga perasaan dia. Gue juga sering izin sm dia kalo mau pergi

Intinya.. gue bener2 ga nyangka bisa berada di fase ini lagi. Rasanya seneng bgt punya seseorang yg mencintai lo seutuhnya tanpa lo berusaha nutupin apapun, bcs thats what u exactly do to him..

Rasanya tiap pagi gue bersyukur bgt karena punya cowo yg sama2 ngalamin hal yg sama jadi kita ngerti gmn sakitny disakitin dan tay gmn cara treat each other well

Gue sayang dan sangat2 bersyukur punya cowo yg selalu dengerin apa kata gue, yg selalu berusaha lakuin hal2 yg ga gue suka.

Intinya gue bersyukur bgt.. dan ga nyangka bgt. Semoga semua ini jadi awal yg indah dan jujur ya gue gamau orang lain untuk menikah..

I love you A. Seni çok çok çok seviyorum A🥰

Time was extremely wrong. So wrong. Now that I am alone, I started to see things way more clear than before. People said dont wait for the right time, make it! So I did. Once I did, I thought it will be different. I thought it will work out this time. I have the intention to fix stuffs and continue what we have suspended few years back. But hence I found out all the situation has changed, including you. It broke my heart so much to see that you kinda gave up on me... this time. Again. I thought this is our time, I thought this is our second chance. But no its not.. i will forever miss you. From the very first time I know you were the one whom I should fighting for, instead of him. I let go of him and hoping that I could continue my journey with you. Few years back I waited so long but you gave me no clue whether should I wait or not. But at the end, its always you.. its always been you.  Stupid me i thought this will be our time. Now I understand second chances are not always mean to work.

Whatever It Takes - Lifehouse

A strangled smile fell from your face
What kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together
Whatever it takes

She said if we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see
She said like it or not it's the way it's gotta be
You've gotta love yourself if you can ever love me

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I'll keep us together

I know you deserve much better
Remember the time I told you the way that I felt
And that I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together
Whatever it takes

I let you down. Again.

Ini pertama kalinya gue menyia-byiakan orang dalam hidup gue.. disaat dulu orang lain hang selalu gue banggakan di depan temen temen gue yang aslinya dia bener bener zero.. gue menyianyiakan lo. Lagi. Maafin gue. Gue rasa pun gue ngerti apa artinya cinta itu buta. Tapi sayangnya, baru kemarin ge kejebak cinta yang salah. Yang gak seharusnya gue bukakan pintu buat org lain.. selain lo. Dengan sombongnya gue bener bener ngacangin lo. Gue tau semua temen temen gue bener bener prefer lo daripada dia. Tapi gue emg terlalu bodoh menyangkal semua itu. 

Dan sekarang, selepas dia pergi, gue baru sadar.. memang seharusnya lo yang gue perjuangkan, bukan dia. Dia yang nyakitin gue. Sebelumnya pun gue selalu punya impression yang baik ke lo. Sebelum sama dia pun gue selalu kagum karena kepribadian lo. Tapi gue cuman gak ngerti. Kenapa dulu lo dateng di waktu yang salah, selagi gue lagi sama orang yang salah? Dan sekarang gue udah sendiri, gue merasa.. ga pantes buat ngarep sama lo. Ya karena dulu gue udh menyianyiakan lo. Gue gaktau apa yang sebenernya lo rasain sama gue. Tapi kalau gue punya kesempatan sekali lagi, gue pengen kenal lo lebih jauh lagi. Kalau kalo ini waktu gue yang bener, gue pengen senuanya work out. Seandainya kita emg gaada di suratan takdir, atleast gue pengen kenal lebih jauh. Gue pengen tau apa asumsi gue selama ini bener atau ga terhadap lo. 

Sekali lagi maafin gue yang udah menyianyiakan lo. Gue emg bodoh.. dan sekarang gue merasa ga pantes untuk berharap sama lo, meskipun nyatanya gue masih gatau apa yang lo rasain terhadap gue. Maafin gue.

Malem ini gagal sudah rencana gue utk skripsian. Suasana hati lg ga karuan. Padahal dari tadi sore bener2 semangat lanjutin bab 2. Padahal td lagi ngantuk banget. Entah kenapa, gue masih kepikiran tu orang. Padahal udh punya cewe lagi, dan begonya gue masih mikirin... bego banget gak sih niki?:( kadang gue bingung apa harus gue block semua kontaknya. Tapi kalo nge block kesannya kaya dia tuh berharga bgt  dan susah dilupain sampe2 gue harus block dia. There are some nights dimana gue sedih, merenung sendiri, mikirin kenapa gue melakukan hal ini, sendirian, sedangkan dia udh bahagia sama yg lain. Meskipun dia udh punya cewe pernah beberapa kali dia ngontak gue duluan sekedar basa basi dan tanya kabar. Tapi semenjak gue tau dia punya cewe, gue ga pernah ngontak duluan. Dia yg bilang dia akan selalu berusaha agar kita ttp keep in touch even misal ceweknya itu nggak suka. Tapi buat apa deh? Kenapa dia ngomong kayak gitu ke gue. Bukannya gue geer apa gimana. Deep inside gue gakmau berhubungan sama dia lagi, when its over then its over. Ada juga waktunya dia sedih dia ngontak gue, nangis di depan gue di video call.. buat apa sih? Begonya gue, gue belom pernah bisa me reject telepon dia. Bukannya gue antusias atau gimana, gue jawab telepon dia ya.. emg karena gue biasa biasa aja.

Ada juga waktu dimana gue bener bener galauu banget nangis semaleman dan gakbisa tidur. Alhasil, ambruk badan. Bukan gue yang mau.. dan bukan berarti hal ini sering terjadi di gue, kadang2 aja. Fyi semenjak itu gue selalu berusaha utk menyibukkan diri dg revisian skripsi. Harusnya sih gue udh selesai.. tapi beberapa bulan lalu gatau knp, gue merasa bener2 gabisa pindah setelah gue putus.. setelah putus memang kita masih jaga komunikasi, and stupid me, gue pikir dia lakuin semua itu... karena dia masih care. Hence I found out, kayak sambil menyelam minum air gitu, dia sambil cari cewe jg, sambil tetep kontakan sama gue.

Jahat... emang jahat bgt.. gue kadang benci sma diri sendiri yang gabisa tegas dan kasih boubdaries yang jelas antara gue dan dia. Baru semenjak dia punya cewe baru, gue sadar se sadar sadarnya, dan bener bener stop kontakan sama dia (atleast at my side somehow he tried to text me when hes lonely)

I have to make more boundaries. Dari hati yang paling dalam pun ga bisa dipungkiri... gue masih ngerasa sakit bayangin dia bahagia sama orang lain.. but no bukan berarti gue low self esteem. Gue tau gue lebih baik. He's the loser. 

Nothing - The Script

Am I better off dead?
Am I better off a quitter?
They say I'm better off now
Than I ever was with her
As they take me to my local down the street
I'm smiling but I'm dying, trying not to drag my feet

They say a few drinks will help me to forget her
But after one too many, I know that I'm never
Only they can see where this is gonna end
They all think I'm crazy but to me it's perfect sense

And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over the town
I'm swearing if I go there now
I can change her mind turn it all around
And I know that I'm drunk but I'll say the words
And she'll listen this time even though they're slurred
So I dialed her number and confessed to her
I'm still in love but all I heard was nothing

So I stumble there, along the railings and the fences
I know if I faced her face, that she'll come to her senses
Every drunk step I take leads me to her door
If she sees how much I'm hurting, she'll take me back for sure

And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over the town
I'm swearing if I go there now
I can change her mind turn it all around
And I know that I'm drunk but I'll say the words
And she'll listen this time even though they're slurred
So I dialed her number and confessed to her
I'm still in love but all I heard was nothing (nothing, nothing)

She said nothing (nothing, nothing)
Oh, I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Oh, I got nothing (nothing, nothing)
I got nothing (nothing, nothing)
Oh, I wanted words but all I heard was nothing

Oh, sometimes love's intoxicating
Oh, you're coming down, your hands are shaking
When you realize, there's no one waiting

Am I better off dead?
Am I better off a quitter?
They say I'm better off now
Than I ever was with her

And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over the town
I'm swearing if I go there now
I can change her mind turn it all around
And I know that I'm drunk but I'll say the words
And she'll listen this time even though they're slurred
So I dialed her number and confessed to her
I'm still in love but all I heard was nothing (nothing, nothing)

She said nothing (nothing, nothing)
Oh, I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Oh, I got nothing (nothing, nothing)
I got nothing (nothing, nothing)
Oh, I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Oh, I got nothing (nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing)

Nothing
I got nothing
I got nothing

For my old crush whom I never had a chance to admit my feelings

Dear my old crush,

How are you? Its been a while since the last time I saw you in high school. Honestly I am pretty shy to admit this. But high school was the place where the first time I saw you, as my junior.

I dont really remember in what date, but the first time I saw you like when I was in 11th garde, meanwhile you were still in a freshman year. I know. I was familiar with your face bcs basically we were in the same elementary school too, but then I would never think you will enroll into the same highschool as me. I remember you were pretty popular in elementary school bcs youre mixed:)) hihi. And now, you were here.

I never had a crush on someone who is younger than me before, so you probably the first one. You may not remember me or even my name. But I remember we joined the same student council. In first year,  I know, slightly you became famous because I have to admit this, you are very attractive. Wuth your braces on (in that time, lol). Eventhough I never had a chance to talk to you, I know you are a good person and I know you have a good personality. Not only outside but from inside too.

I remember that all of popular students on my batch also used to talk to you. Especially during the student orientation, whoah.. During that week I feel like, emotionally tortured maybe? Bcs I had no one to talk to in that week, probably bcs I dont talk to those ppopular students on my batch either. You were very talktative, polite, and incredibly smart. I observed you.

Thats pretty much stuffs I like about you, I mean, I really liked you. You were the ideal one. Youre not only attractive from outside, but also from inside. I know you really love your parents, I know you would do anything for them. And I know I was not the only girl who had crush on you, probably bunches...

I was dying to get any of your contact, BBM, twitter. But I had your BBM pin so I encouraged myself to add yours. I didn't expect that you would accepted me. I was pretty aware about yuor updates. Once I realized one of your friend pranked you, sending a broadcast message, which is written 'I actually like you for quite long time' Heck I thought it was real! Hahahah..

I knew you dated some girls (probably) during in high school, I also realized when you joined the model agency. Actually you really amazed me with your achievement. So I also knew that you were surrounded by alot of girls in hat model agency, which make me unconfident.. I mean who the heck am I, I was really nothing. I wasnt popular, people barely know/talk to me. I wasnt that smart, tho.

And I remember the first time I talked to you, was the day that I was being a servant in high school canteen, you bought a fried rice. And the second time was during the student orientation, you ask me something (honestly I forgot about what it was), but then I stupidly answered with 'I dont really know about that' in our school's basketball court. And thats all.

And yeah, I was falling for you as my crush for about 2 years. I just wished you know about my feelings towards you. I just want you to know because I realized youre in 2 years relationship with your girlfriend. I wish I had a courage to talk to you as normal friends. I wish, I was confident enough about myself, I wish I was being an open person to everyone.

Thats all I wanted to say to you, I am sorry if im being pretty cheesy, hihi. Goodluck for your life, I really admire you as a human being, I am really amazed on how you achieved all your achievement, and I adore your personality. Up till now.

GK.