Sometimes I wonder, will you be my last? Sometimes I wonder do you really love me, just the way I am? I have no idea, but no matterhow long we spend a long time to talk together, I always get that idea that I am not good enough for you. There's always a possibility that we fight anytime in any case.. And I always feel afraid to speak up towards you, because I know whenever Im going to complain or critize about you, it always ended up of being my fault.. Whenever I tried to speak up you always gettig mad without trying to calm down or gently remind me. To be honest, I dont want anyone else than you, I want you to be my last.. the world is so cruel and I need someone to lay my head down, together against this world.. I need you. But the way you act sometimes make me feel unwanted, and other days you make me feel like I am the luckiest girl on earth to get a guy just like you.

I want nothing than a consistency. Consistency of your behaviour towards me. I feel hurt whenever I see you changing your attitude towards me. Be gentle.. I want nothing than your affection, your attention, your time.. Dont you see it I always be here for you whenever you feel down? I dont care whether its 4 AM, I straightly log in to my skype account and call you.. No excuse for you.. But what about you.. Where are you whenever I need you the most? Why do I still find excuses that you cant be here. How is that easy for you? You dont even bother to try harder to be here.. I feel nothing, nothing at all. Its been too long, D.. Too long.. And I dont know how long I can survive this. I feel hurt.. But I always get the idea that I have to be strong, I have to hold this all, I cant just give up just because the situation is not always right. I fucking did. But when it comes to you, why are you so easy to give up on me? Why do I always have to be the one who always begging you to stay with me?

I love you, honestly.. Theres nothing in this world that I cant do for you.. I just haven't reach my limit yet. Because I still want to fight for you.. Please dont confuse me with your attitude.. Be consistent.. Be gentle.. Dont make me feel unwanted.. 

Things that Indonesian do, but Western People Dont

People might never heard about this country : Indonesia. I dont meant to blame any of them, but how did those people passed the geography class? *sigh* I think Indonesia is large enought as a country. 

Every country has its own uniqueness, including mine. Indonesia is just like some other world's country that never been existed in this universe, almost never hearded. Some bule say its weird and unusual, but those are just the way of our lives. In this article I would like to give you some example about what Indonesian do while western countries dont!

1.) No shoes inside our houses

Once I had a debate about this topic with one of my bule friend. I started to ask him first like why do you always wear slippers/shoes inside your house? Your floor must getting dirty because of it. And he says, if he doesnt wear slippers inside of his house, his feet must get dirty. Then I continued, you can always clean your floor by sweeping it, dont you do that? *suasana mulai panas wkwkwk* the he continued, theres no guarantee that our floor always clean, how can you just laying on the floor that covered with invisible dusk?

Then I started to think. Some of his points are true. Indonesian dont wear slippers inside of their house because we always clean it everyday, that we think its clean enough to stepped on. 

So if you come to any Indonesian house, please take your shoes off outside.

2.) Eating with bare hands

Hey, it might seems gross right? But for us, the dishes that we eat will taste better if we eat it with bare hands. No forks, no spoon. Especially when it comes to the rice, yummm. We never forget to wash our hands before eat ofcourse. Some of the restaurant here provide the washtafel for it, but dont be surprised, if you find any little rice left on the top of the sink! I as an Indonesian find it a bit gross too, because some of our people just washes their hand without paying any attention whether those tiny food from their hands already get drown on the sink or not.

3.) You can always stop the bus anywhere, not even on the bus stop

This is one of the reason why we get a bad transportation system. The buses or angkot can stop anywhere and anytime (i mean for bus 3/4 yg gaada ac nya terutama, bukan busway) it also caused the traffic jam. I as an Indonesian also hate it so much, they seems so ignorant. The drivers stop because they want to fill their buses with more passenger. 

4.) Sandal/slippers to walk on

I think we dont really get match to use the shoes when we're about going out in a short distance. Indonesian really like to wear sandals outside. Just like when we go the the warung or Indomaret. You cant find this phenomenon while you living in westren countries. Most of then wearing shoes, shoes, shoes, even when they go in a short distance.

5.) We dont call older people by their name

Yeah, we dont. We have own title for every older people to call! For the example, if you wanna call an older guy than you, we call them 'mas' or 'bang' which mean 'bro'. If you wanna call somebody's parents, just simply call them with 'Pak' or Bu' (Mr. or Mrs) in some other ways we also can call them 'Om' or 'Tante' (Uncle/Aunty). Calling older people by their name is considered as a rude action. 

6.) Rice for life
Having 3 slices of pizza and a bowl of mac and cheese for lunch wont make us full! Why? Because its not rice. Indonesian consider rice as their main food. Anything else other than rice are just snacks for us, for example: bread, noodle, potato, etc.

7.) Being late
I know we're not suppose to do this, and i dont even know why, Indonesian are used to be late. Whether it is an individual or as a group. A lot of event here held late. Lets just say I have a meeting in my office they say it will be on 1 pm but actually it start at 2 pm. huh!

Well guys, those are 7 thing that Indonesians do but Western dont! Ofc there are many things remain, and I will write them on my next post (it might be on part 2) See you guys, tschuss :)

Forgive and Forget? No!

Nobody's perfect, they said.

But thats the perfect statement to describe me. I am not a perfect person nor a saint, especially for forgiving people. People said, the best way to get over the pain is just forgive and forget.. Like, what the heck, how easy it that? I dont think with a forgive and forget statement would reduce my pain. The more often I forgive people, the more often they re do their mistake!

Well I might not an easy person, especially when it comes in a relationship. My partner did a lot of mistake, and so did I. Maybe, yes, the only way to get over it is just forgive but I would never forget his mistakes. But there are some things that I have no tolerance of. If he does something that I hate and thats unforgiven then I choose to leave. Im not an egoist, Im just being clear and being myself. I would never trying to be someone else just to fit in. 

So for me, ofcourse doing mistakes is normal in any relationship. The point of differences approach on how many times you did it. If someone's doing it in a lot of times, then it's not a mistake, but its their decision! Never let yourself being feel let down. You should be clear of your partner, if your partner respect you, he would never do some things that you hate. Be smart, girls. 

If your man chooses to do some things that you hate because someone else persuade him, and he agrees, then it should be a questin. Why would he choose someone else (ex: his friends, etc) than you? Every woman deserve to be a priority. And no, I dont mean to be an egoist. But every man should respect what things you dont like. If he respects you, then he wouldnt do it. I feel so sorry for girls who chooses to holding up for too long or sticking by their boyfriend eventhought they keep doing fatal mistake, or things that their girlfriend dont like. What the heck. Because for me, I can consider my self as an adult now, where I choose my man rather than friends because some of them are fake too.

If he loves you, then he would never choose someone else rather than you.

If he loves you, he wouldnt do things that make you feel uncomfortable. He should make you as his priority.

I am super sick of those stories of some guys who choose their friends over their girlfriends!!! As an adult you should think more forward, think about your future. As and adult ofcourse I want a marriage, I want my own family, and I consider I could start all of them: with my boyfriend, in a serious relationship case. Youre going to marry your soulmate, not your friend.

For the past few months, I've been feeling anxiety. I mean, anxiety in relationship. I dont know where it started, but since Im in relationship I often feel on myself, that I always afraid my boyfriend will leave me. I feel so safe when he's arround me. When he's about to go somewhere (well fyi Im in a ldr, he lives in another country) so that we cant talk over skype, or when he's hanging out with his friends. He sometimes goes to clubbing too but not so often before. I feel so uncomfortab;e with that. I mean, you know, club is where the hottes girls are hanging arround, they tried their best to impress guys so etc..

I truly trust him. But still, I dont want him to go clubbing. Finally I took a time to talk about this. I said that I feel so much uncomfortable when he's going.. At the first time he couldn't agree to me. But i kept trying to explain him. I am so glad that he understands me as well. And then he stops clubbing, atleast that's what he told me.

After that day, it doesnt stop me for thinking about it. I still talk about it, that I dont want him to clubbing or even hanging arround when there's some girls. I realized I am an overreacting girlfriend, but I did it all because I care about him. Its been my princple, that I will always talk about something about what bothers me, including this issue..

I just feel like I hurt myself to keep thinking about this, even after my bf deal about this. It seems like, my mind keeps imagine what if my bf goes to the club behind my back? I dont know. I know I should stop. It hurts me. I need him to be arround me always.. I wonder if I could get a way to get over this.. Sometime he even said I dont trust him anymore, well that was just an misunderstanding. I worried about him, doesn't mean I dont trust him. I love him to death.

Im pretty sure there's a lot ofgirls like me who feel anxiety in their relationships too.

The Distance - Evan and Jaron

The sky has lost it's color
The sun has turned to grey
At least that's how it feels to me
Whenever you're away
I crawl up in the corner
As I watch the minutes pass
Each one brings me closer to
The time you're comin' back
I can't take the distance
I can't take the miles
I can't take the time until I next see you smile
I can't take the distance
And I'm not ashamed
That with every breath I take I'm callin your name

But I can't take the distance

I still believe my feelings
But sometimes I feel too much
I make believe you're close to me
But it ain't close enough
Not nearly close enough

I can't take the distance
I can't take the miles
I can't take the time until I next see you smile
I can't take the distance
And I'm not ashamed
That with every breath I take I'm callin your name

I brave fire and I brave rain
To be by your side I'd do anything
I can't take the distance

I will go the distance
I will go the miles
That's how much you mean to me

'Cause I can't take the distance
I can't take these miles
I can't take the time until I next see you smile
I can't take the distance
And I'm not ashamed
That with every breath I take I'm calling your name
I can't take the distance

It's hard to remember
As long as you're away
When I find solace
There's only one way..

source: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/evanandjaron/thedistance.html

Coldplay - Ink

Anjis! Lagu Coldplay buat gue emang gaada duanya. Kali ini salah satu lagu fav. gue dr Coldplay yang judulnya Ink. Buat gue ni lagu pas banget buat orang yg lagi jatuh cinta, hehe. Musiknya ear-catching, ringan, tapi liriknya tetep dalem sih. Filosofis. Bagaimana satu orang mendem rasa cinta sama orang yang dia suka, sakit sih, tapi rasa sakit itulah yang menjadi 'seni' dalam perasaan jatuh cinta itu..

Got a tattoo said 'together thru life'
Carved in your name with my pocket knife
And you wonder when you wake up will it be alright 
Feels like there's something broken inside

All I know 
All I know 
Is that I'm lost 
Whenever you go 
All I know 
Is that I love you so 
So much that it hurts..

Got a tattoo and the pain's alright 
Just want a way of keeping you inside

All I know 
All I know 
Is that I'm lost 
In your fire below
All I know 
Is that I love you so 
So much that it hurts 

I see the road begin to climb
I see your stars begin to shine
I see your colours and I'm dying of thirst
All I know 
Is that I love you so
So much that it hurts..

source: coldplay.com

Independen

Hi! This morning I woke up and decided to feel hapy than any other morning. Hari ini hari Sabtu dan gue tidur 9 jam lamanya. Sugguh satu hal yang sangat jarang gue dapatkan di semester 3 ini.

Kali ini gue mau nulis tentang satu hal, yaitu independen. Apa sih independen itu? Yah gue gatau persis sih, tp sepemahaman gue, independen tuh bebas, merdeka, gak terikat sama apapun. Orang yang independent pun gitu. Mereka percaya diri, gak mau terikat sama hal apapaun, merdeka. Gue suka sama orang yang tipenya begitu. Mereka berdikari (berdiri di atas kaki sendiri, lol) dan gak suka bergantung sama orang lain (wah ini dia!!) Ya, kita emang ga boleh bergantung sama orang lain. Kenapa? Karena sesungguhnya yang bisa nolong diri kita, ya kita sendiri. Jujur gue gk suka banget sama orang yang bergantung sama orang lain dalam hal apapun, dan manja. Apa-apa musti bareng orang, kalo sendirian takut dikira ga punya temen. LAH???

Orang yang kemana-mana sendiri, termasuk gue, bukan berarti ga punya temen kan? Emang gue orangnya lebih enjoy aja kalo sendirian. Terlebih kalo ngerjain tugas. Pada dasarnya, gue adalah orang yang punya kepribadian individual. Tapi dari situ gue jadi mandiri. Kalo ngerjain tugas jug ague gak selalu terikat sama ketentuan, buka berarti sembarangan ngerjain. Tetap pada konteks tugas itu, tapi yah, ga manut-manut banget sampe hal yang detail di tugas itu pun gue sesuaikan dengan ketetentuan tugas.

Ohya, gatau kenapa, akhir-akhir ini gue lagi jenuh sama organisasi-organisasi yang lagi gue ikutin. Gue jenuh sama peraturan yag dibuat. Gue mulai jenuh sama deadline. Gue mulai merasa gue punya cara pandang yang berbeda dari mereka. Gue punya ideologi gue sendiri. Gue pengen merdekaaa.. ahahahah. 

Gue sendiri bukanlah tipe orang yang suka kebawa arus trend entah bidang apapun itu. Fashion ,music, dan segala hal yang berbau entertainment itu. Gue emang susah dipengaruhi lingkugnan sih. Karena prinsip gw, kalo lo terlalu kebawa arus da gampang dipengaruhi, sampe lo mati juga bakal kayak gitu. Dan gue gamau. Kita sbg manusia harus punya pendirian sendiri. Pendirian itu yang nnatinya bakal mengantar kita ke satu hal yang kita inginkan.